


S3 - E1  "Making things right"

by van22114



Category: Station 19 (TV), Vicley - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-07-07 20:23:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19857499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/van22114/pseuds/van22114
Summary: This started out as a short one shot as an answer to the writers killing off Lucas Ripley. The first chapter is what I would have done at the start of season 3 to fix the mess they made. Then it turned into a WIP that gives you a look into Ripleys head, as he shares his diary with Victoria, and let's us see how their story could (should) have played out. It is now a finished story, and I hope you'll like it.





	1. Dreaming

Season 3 – Episode 1 «Making things right»

Vic woke with a jerk that sent her flying from her chair down to the floor. She didn’t know time or place or anything at all really. You know that state of mind when you’re not deep asleep, but not fully awake. When you’re dreaming, but you know it’s a dream. You just don’t know how to make it stop. No matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to will yourself awake. You’re a hostage, until the dream decides to loosen it’s grip and send you back to reality. Sometimes it happens slowly, gently. Sometimes, like now, with a gasp and a jerk so violent it left her face down on the cold linoleum, smelling the detergent and nauseating scent of hospital mixing together.

She was on the floor. Her mind was blurry, confused. The nightmare had been so real. Lucas… was dead. He hadn’t survived. All the images from the dream were mixed together. Dr. Schmitt bringing her Lucas’ flowers, the picture of Lucas next to his coffin, Sully’s speech, dr. Pierce telling her that there was nothing they could do, the memorial folder with his name on it in her trembling hands… She climbed to her knees getting her head up high enough to see the nightstand beside the bed. And there it was, the memorial folder. Her heart startet pounding, her palms became drenched in sweat, the blood disappeared from her head and the saliva from her mouth. She felt like vomiting. It couldn’t be real… could it?? Her mind was a blur. She knew she had dreamt, but at the same time she couldn’t shake the images from her memory. Her real memory, not the dream. She had gone to the funeral, she had sat there and listened to Sullivans speach, she had felt tears straming down her face. And she knew the memories were just as real as the tears she felt dripping down in her lap right now.

Then she looked over and saw him. He was there, he wasn’t gone. It was her Lucas, in the hospital bed. Pale and small, but alive. She looked back at the memorial folder lying there on the nightstand. She picked it up, her hands trembling, just like in the dream. Captain Conlin… she heard the whisper escaping from her own lips, not really recognizing her own voice. It was Captain Conlin. Her mind was starting to clear from the sleep, giving more and more room for reality. The panick slowly letting go, and her heart rate slowing down with every beat. She remembered now, and was instantly ashamed of how relieved she was that it had been him, that he was the one who had died, not Lucas. She felt a chill run down her spine as her mind took her back to the dream. To her worst nightmare. She saw herself saying goodbye to him, kissing his lips for the last time, sitting next to his sister at his funeral. In her dream she had returned to work and left for LA with the others to fight the wildfires after his death. She couldn’t bring all the images from the dream back as vividly as they had appeared in her sleep, but she did remember one thing. The suffocating feeling of darkness, like the sun had gone down and would never rise again.

She climbed into his bed next to him, linking their fingers together, and put her head on the pillow next to him. She needed to be close, the feel his warm body next to hers, and his breath on her face. She needed to know that he was still here. Alive. That she was not alone.

Victoria drifted back to sleep, and didn’t wake up until two hours later when she heard a soft sound from the door. It was Sullivan. He entered to see her curled up in bed next to his old friend, clinging to his hand like it was a lifeline and she was lost at sea. She looked so tired and fragile. So different from the Victoria he knew. He just wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her, but he didn’t. Instead he walked over sat down in a chair next to the one she had been using. «He’s going to be okay» he said. «I know» she replied, her eyes never leaving Lucas. «I know…» And she knew it was true. She wasn’t going to lose him. The last week had been a rollercoaster of emotions. When they had come for her and brought her to the hospital, she had been prepared for the worst. She had thought she would lose him before they even got a chance to really start their lives together. It had been a mess, chaos. All her colleagues had been there, so many people from other stations had shown up for him, for their chief. They all had so much respect for him. She hadn’t even thought about what this meant for them, that their secret was out. Not until now… She was suprised when she realised that she didn’t care. The only thing she cared about was that he would be okay. All that other stuff, was not important. Everything was going to be okay…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sadly, I don’t hold any hope that this will ever be okay. However, if I had magically been hired to write season 3, this would have been the opening scene of episode 1.


	2. Wide awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas Wakes up - Victoria is by his side.

When Lucas woke, she was asleep in the chair next to his bed. He just laid there watching her sleep, trying not to make a sound. He wanted the moment to last for as long as possible. He still couldn’t believe she was hers to love. Her feet were tucked up in the seat, and her head tilted down to rest on her shoulder. Her curls were wild and messy. She was wearing one of his old sweaters and a pair of worn out jeans. She was holding something in her right hand, he couldn’t quite make out what it was. It looked like a small toy car. Never had he seen anything more beautiful than her in that moment. He could look at her forever…

His bright blue eyes were the first thing she saw as her eyes opened from their sleep. He was awake. «Baby…You’re awake…» she said as she moved from the chair to sit on his bedside. «I’m wide awake» he replied, his voice barely a whisper. He stretched out his left arm and ran his fingers through her hair. «You’re so beautiful…» he said, his eyes welling up with tears, mirroring her own. She had done a lot of that lately, crying. When she thought he was going to die, they had been tears of despair, loneliness, anger, fear, guilt… But now, they were tears of relief, happiness, joy, love, hope... «I owe you an answer», he said. Victoria had had a lot of time to think about that the last week. Her proposal. It felt like her heart dropped right down into her stomach and turned into acold hard stone. She couldn’t help but think that if it hadn’t been for her stupid proposal, he wouldn’t have run from the hospital and almost died because they didn’t get started on his treatment soon enough. She had almost killed him… He had made the suggestion first, yes, but only as a practical solution to their… situation. Not because he wanted to be her husband, but because it allowed them to keep dating without risking their careers. And they had agreed to find another way. Then she had gone all crazy and asked him for….well, everything. And it was too soon, of course it was too soon. «Lucas, I’m so sorry» she said, «I should never have asked you that. It was… crazy. I was crazy. I mean, I love you, but it wasn’t fair to spring all that on you. I know we agreed to find another way, and we will. I can change stations, I can commute, I dont care. Just… I’m sorry…» She was rambling, and he looked at her for a second, confused. Then all of a sudden he understood. «I’m sorry too» he said. He took a deep breath and drew her right hand up to rest on his chest. «I’m sorry that I offered you toilet paper, when you deserved something real. I was scared. I didn’t want to get hurt, so I presented you with a practical solution. That way it wouldn’t hurt as much when you turned me down. But Victoria, I want all those things you said, and more. And I want it with you… When I collapsed, I was on my way to meet you at the diner, but not to say yes. Can you give me my jeans?!» he pointed towards his folded clothes on a small table in the corner behind her. It was her time to look confused. She didn’t understand, but she got up and grabbed his jeans and handed them to him. He put his hands in one of the pockets and drew out a bunch of folded pieces of paper. They looked like they were ripped from a notebook. He hesitated for a few seconds before he reached out and handed them to her. «I… I was going to give you this. I need you to read it» he said as he was staring down at his hands. Then he looked up and met her eyes. «It’s strange you know, I can speak in front of a crowd and I’m good at it. When I’m the chief, I always know what to say, and I get my message across. But with you, I don’t know. I’m terrified that you don’t know how I really feel about you. How I’ve felt about you all along. So I need yout to read that. To be honest, I don’t have many close friends. When Robert and I stopped talking, I really didn’t have anyone to confide in. So I startet writing down my thoughts, I guess you could call it a diary. Not every day, but when something happened that was worth… talking about. Take it home with you. Read it, get some rest in a real bed and if you want… come back tomorrow. I love you so much…» 

When Victoria got home she made herself a cup of tea and curled up in her bed. Their bed... She could still smell him there. She hadn’t been able to make herself change the sheets after he collapsed. She had been terrified he would never lay beside her again, terrified that the smell of him would fade and that in time she wouldn’t be able to remember what it was like. That everything about him would slowly and inevitably slip away from her. She unfolded the pieces of paper he had given her, and started reading. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to continue this little story anyway. Will be adding another chapter or two before wrapping this up.


	3. The journal - part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victoria has taken Lucas' scribblings with her home, and is in bed reading it. This is the first part of his diary. We get to read his words, and her reactions to it. I have taken the freedom to change the timeline from the skyscraper incident up until they get together a little bit, because I feel that the way they got together was a little bit rushed. Hope you don't mind, and that you like this chapter.

**_May 3rd, 2018_ **  
**_I’ve been talking to the firefighters at 19 this week to determine who should be their new captain. Pruitt Herrera has run 19 for a long time now, and he’s done it well. Now, the question seems to be Jack Gibson or Andy Herrera… To be honest I’m not sure either of them is the right choice. It’s not easy to go from being one of the guys, to being captain to those same guys. They are both good firefighters, and I think they can both go on to be good leaders. I’m just not sure this is the right time or place for either of them. Apparently, not everyone agrees with me. One of the new rookies there really gave me a piece of her mind. I think it would be correct to say that she yelled at me. I know I should be offended, and as much as I tried to act like I was mad, I can’t help but admire her. The passion she has for her work, for her colleagues… there was something in her eyes, like she’s not afraid of anything. Definitely not afraid of me. I like that…_ **

Vic remembered it well. She couldn’t believe she had actually ordered him to «pick one and be done with it». He had responded with not wanting to hear her actual peer review because her insubordination told him everything he needed to know about how Jack and Andy had captained her. He had been wrong about a couple of things though. She had been afraid. She had been terrified when she had realised what she had done, that she had yelled at him. The last thing he had said before she got up and walked out of the room was «You and I are done». She still for some reason remembered it vividly. But she was thankful that he had been wrong about that too.

**_May 17th 2018_ **  
**_Last night was a bad one. There was a fire in a skyscraper downtown, and things went bad. Sometimes I hate my job… the decisions I have to make. There were firefighters trapped inside. A team from 19. I know I did the right thing evacuating, I couldn’t send anyone else in there no matter how much I wanted to. The risks were just too high. I hate it, but that’s our job. Every day when we put our gear on, we know that this could be the day. The day that we don’t come back home. The day that we give our life so that someone else can live. The last day… Those are the risks. We all know it. Our families know it. But that doesn’t make it any easier to be the one making the decision to leave one our own behind. Hughes really came at me at the scene. It took me by surprise. I know she was scared, she almost lost half her team, and Montgomery… he didn’t look good when they got him out. I know they’re close. But I was still surprised. Does she really think that I don’t care… I told her if she ever comes at me like that again, she’s fired. I lost my temper, but I meant it. It isn’t the first time someone gets in my face about something, but I never let it get to me. I trust my decisions and I know I’m good at what I do. But for some reason her words cut through me like a razor. For some reason I hate that she could think that of me._ **

She knew she had been unfair, that she had been wrong. She knew that he didn’t really have a choice, and she knew she had made a horrible situation even worse. Right then and there, when it happened, she had been so high on adrenaline and fear that she had just lashed out. It wasn’t until a couple of months later, when she heard him speaking at the peer support meeting, that she realised just how wrong she had been. He cared… more than she could possibly know. She knew that now…

_**July 22nd 2018** _  
_**Hughes showed up to peer support group today. I spotted her sneaking in right before I got up to speak. She sat down in the back next to Montgomery. She came up to me after the meeting was over, apologized for what she said at the skyscraper. That meant a lot to me, maybe more than it should. I know I looked at her too many times as I spoke today, but I couldn’t help it. She has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. She had her hair up in a ponytail… I need to get it together. I’m the chief and it can never happen. Not that she would ever look at me that way anyway. I must be losing my mind. I asked her to come back next week, maybe share something with the group. I hope I’ll see her…** _

Victoria couldn’t help but smile to herself as she read his words. She had felt it too. That day when she had approached him after the meeting to apologize, something had changed. She had seen him in a completely different light. It hadn’t been the chief who had stood there and talked in front of her, it had been Lucas. And when she had gone home to her appartment afterwards, she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him. She had gone over their conversation in her head a million times, how she had rambled, how he had smiled, how his eyes had lingered on her, how he had asked her to come back the following week. Something had just clicked, and she found herself fantasizing about him a lot over the next months.

_**July 29th 2018** _  
_**She came back today. Without Montgomery. She sat in the back and listened, but didn’t get up to speak. But like last week she came up to me afterwards. Not to apologize this time, just to…talk. I didn’t even notice, but all of a sudden we were the only ones left. We ended up just sitting there, talking, for almost two hours. It’s strange, I feel so safe with her and it’s so easy, but at the same time I know that I’ve never been in more trouble than I am with her, and things could get so complicated. Maybe it’s for the best if she stops coming. I hope she doesn’t though…** _

She had gone back and forth in her mind a thousand times whether or not she should go to the meeting that week. But she had known all along that she would end up going. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him after the first time, and as much as she knew she was going there for all the wrong reasons, she had gone.

_**Oct. 21st 2018** _  
_**The last couple of months it’s become a routine. She shows up to the peer support groups every other week, and we stay behind talking afterwards. I don’t think anyone’s noticed, people always just hang out a little before they leave one by one until there are no one left, except us. We talk about everything and nothing. She’s funny, and smart. She’s strong, and stubborn and vulnerable all at once. She’s… everything. I don’t know what this is or what the hell I’m doing. I just know that I love the time we spend together. As soon as I see her walk out I start looking forward till the next time. I don’t know what to do about this. I know I’m in trouble here. What scares me is that I don’t think I care. If she felt the same way, if this was real, I think maybe I’d be willing to risk everything for her. It sounds crazy, but it feels so right when I’m with her. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before.** _

No one had known she went to the meetings every other week. Not even Travis. It was their little secret. She had loved their conversations. She too had looked forward to them every day. They had gotten to know each other a little better every time, and every time she had fallen for him a little more. It had been completely unexpected, but so incredibly good. The only problem was that it left them wanting more…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued...


	4. The journal - part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic continues her road down memory lane, reading Lucas' diary. Spice time.

_**Nov. 2nd 2018** _

_**It’s strange… I have fantasized about being with her so many times, in so many ways, but reality turned out so much better than any dream ever could. I never knew anything could feel that good. Even though I know it’s wrong, it couldn’t have felt more right. I was at 19 yesterday. It was another anniversary of Claires’ death. I just wanted to be there for Sully… I know he’s still tortured by it, especially on that day. It showed, he was completely out of it, taking it out on anybody, everybody. I was taking a break in the beanery trying to figure out what to say to him, when Vic came in. I tried so hard to keep it professional when she said she was surprised I stuck around for the whole training session, asking me if I just liked it so much there, rambling on about how likeable they were. I should have stopped after I had explained that it was my job to visit all the stations, but something in her eyes made me go on. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I must have stepped closer, because I do remember looking straight into her eyes when I told her I like the people there. For what seemed like an eternity, we just gazed into each others eyes. She broke the silence. I heard what she said... «Spice»..I’m pretty sure she wanted me to hear it too… She invited me up to the roof to celebrate Millers birthday. I said yes. She put me to work, said I have to work for my cake. I didn’t lie when I said I’m happy to. She has no idea just how much I’m willing to work for my cake…for her. When the others left it was like we fell into the same routine as we have at the peer support meetings. We stayed behind, and I helped her clean up. I was quiet, I know. I was trying to figure out what to do, what to say, without putting her in a difficult position. I needed her to be the one to make the move. I was terrified, I still am terrified, that she is going to feel pressured into something. I outrank her by a million degrees and that just makes this so incredibly difficult. I know that she’s tough, and I don’t think anyone could push her into something she didn’t want to, but I still have to be careful. I did push her though, to tell me what she meant when she said «spice», and to tell me what she was thinking now, up there on the roof. I’m glad I did though, because she asked me to go out with her for a drink after her shift ended the following morning. It was no surprise that the bar was closed at 0830 in the morning. When she suggested we go to her place for «conversation», we both knew what it meant. It was not a bad idea. God, it was so good. She was so good. The taste of her skin, the smell of her hair, the feeling of her naked body against mine. It was all so perfect. She is so perfect… But when I got out of the shower, she had left without a word. I didn’t know what to do, what to think. The drive back home was horrible. It’s funny how your brain always comes up with all the worst case scenarios first. And as firefighters we’re even trained to think like that, which probably doesn’t make it any better. We always prepare ourselfs for the worst. Every time we get a call, every time we put on our gear, every time we jump in the engine and drive off, we start mentally preparing for the worst. I was sure she regretted it, that it hadn’t been as good for her as it was for me, that she had panicked and didn’t want to see me again. I was a mess. I picked up the phone 50 times before I finally managed to make the call. I was about to hang up when she finally answered. I asked her if she was okay, because that was all I really needed to know. It was all I could think about. She giggled, and assured me that she was more than okay. She apologised for running off like that, she said she has no regrets. I believe her. She sounded okay, she sounded happy. I told her I wanted to see her again if she wanted to, and she asked me to come over after her shift tomorrow. I don’t know what this is exactly or where it’s going, but I know I can’t wait to see her again, to hold her, touch her, talk to her. She’s all I can think about…** _

Victoria remembered everything about that day, and night, and the day that followed. She remembered his awkward wave when she caught him staring at her, she remembered their conversation in the beanery, the intensity in his eyes when he told her he liked the people there, her own playfulness when she told him he had to work for his cake, the sincerity in his voice when he said he was happy to… She knew what he was doing when he had pushed about what she was thinking about when they were cleaning up on the roof. He was putting the ball in her hands, he was giving her the power. And she had taken it. They both knew what she was asking when she invited him up to her apartment, and they had both wanted it so badly. They hadn’t even closed the door behind them before they were all over each other. It was her who had made the first move. When she had turned the key and opened the door he had been standing right behind her, so close she could feel the heat from his body. She had turned around to face him, his blue eyes had been dark and so intense, his jaw was clutched, for a few seconds she had just stared into his eyes, into his soul. Then she had reached up and let her hands touch his face, let her fingers run down from his curly hair to his temples, over his jaw, feeling his beard, softly touching his lips before she slid her hands in behind his neck and drew him down into a wet, hot kiss. His lips had crushed down on hers with so much urgency and lust and she remembered the feeling of his body pushing her up against the open door. The desire that had built in both of them for months exploded, she wanted to feel all of him at once. They made their way inside, she kicked off her shoes in the hallway while backing into the bedroom, his lips never leaving hers. It was morning and the sun was rising, spilling its early morning rays in through her bedroom window. The sunlight gave everything this golden shimmer, it had been magic. And the fact that it wasn’t dark, that she could see everything, had made it even more intimate. It had been so damn hot. The things he had done to her… just thinking about it now made her blush. She was in that very same bed right now, and her thoughs drifted back to what they had done. No one had ever made her feel the way he did. It was as if he knew all her secrets, all the right buttons to push. And he seemed to love pushing them… She had talked to Jack the next day about her «Mr. Hypotethical». She had lied when she had told him that she didn’t know if she liked him or not, that she hadn’t really thought about it… Of course she had thought about it. She hadn’t thought about much else for the last months. She knew she liked him, she knew she liked him a lot more than she had ever liked anyone, ever. That hadn’t kept her from freaking out when she woke up a few hours later and saw his uniform jacket tossed over the chair in her bedroom, his nametag practically staring back at her … «CH. RIPLEY»… In capital letters. She had panicked, and, like Jack so correctly had pointed out, fled the scene of the crime as fast as she could while he was still in the shower. She had been scared, not only because it was starting to dawn on her just how complicated this could get, but because she was starting to realise just how much she had to lose. And it wasn’t the thought of losing her job, her future career, that scared her the most, it was the thought of losing him. Part of her felt like running away, before he did. Self perservation. But she had never regretted what happened that morning after shift. And she knew she never would… And the moment she had heard his voice on the phone when he called her later that day, she had known that it was going to be okay. She had decided right then not to run, and to trust that he wouldn’t either… He had come over after her next shift, and,in time, many shifts after that. They had eventually fallen into a new routine. One she couldn’t get enough of.

_**Nov. 16th** _

_**Life is strange sometimes. Good and bad, happiness and despair, it all goes hand in hand. Last night was like that. There was a storm coming in and I had to check in on the high call areas. I told myself I went to 19 because of the location, and it was part true. I did want to see her though. We’ve been talking on the phone a few times the last two weeks, but I’ve only seen her once since I came home with her after Millers birthday. It’s been a busy time for me, with all my meetings and with her shifts we just haven’t had the chance. I love our talks though, she always makes me smile and she always makes me see things from a fresh perspective. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of talking to her. She’s smart and funny and I can always count on her putting me straight when she feels I’m in the wrong. I really wanted to see her yesterday, even if it was at work. It’s dangerous though… I know no matter how much I try to hide it, someone will eventually notice the way I look at her. And if we keep doing crazy things like we did last night, someone might see something far worse than a longing gaze. We agreed to keep it professional while we’re at work. We failed. Seeing her in her turnouts, tearing up that tree, God she turns me on… Apparently she feels the same way. She walked into the turnout room as I was getting out of my gear. She told me I looked pretty good wielding that chainsaw, asked me to lock the door. There was nothing I wanted more in this world. My heart was racing as I tried to tell her I couldn’t, that I’d be taking advantage, that I’m the chief and she… she wouldn’t have it. She told me she thought I was hot out there today, and dared me to tell her I didn’t feel the same way about her. I couldn’t… because I did, she was so hot. She said she was done being professional, and that she thought I was too. I couldn’t speak, because I knew she was right. And that I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. She ordered me to lock the door. She is so confident, so determined, so strong, and it’s so incredibly sexy. My head was spinning as I walked over to the door. I stoppet for a short second before turning the key. My thougts were racing, no matter how crazy I knew it was, I knew this was one fire I wouldn’t be able to put out no matter how hard I tried. So I decided to just let go, let it burn. Nothing or no one has ever made me lose control the way she does. And never has it felt better to be completely powerless. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than when I’m with her… It was just a few hours later we learned that the aid car with Herrera and Sullivan never made it to the hospital. We found them, but I don’t know if it was in time for Robert. He’ll survive, but he has no feeling in his legs. The doctors say there’s a chance it may come back, that he’ll be able to walk again, but they won’t know for some time if it’s permanent or not. He’s been through enough, and I honestly don’t know if he could make it through that. It’s not right. Part of me feels so guilty for being this happy, when the man who used to be my best friend is living through another nightmare. I pray he’ll be okay, that he will find his way back to the man he used to be, and that he too will find happiness again. No one deserves it more than him.** _

Vic thought back to the day of the storm. She had sat on the edge of her bed that morning staring at his name on her phone, trying to decide whether or not to call him. She had wanted to see him too, but she had been afraid that his meetings had just been excuses to avoid her. And she did not want to seem desperate. So she had put the phone down, and jumped in the shower instead. When he had shown up at the station later, he had told her he didn’t want her to think that he chose 19 as an excuse to see her. He had wanted to see her though, and they had so much fun that day. She loved working with him, but realised that it was a good thing that they didn’t do it on a regular basis. It got so hot they were in danger of starting more fires than they could put out. And the fire they had startet in the turnout room that day, was more powerful than any blue fire could ever be… Vic got up and made her way into the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee. Like he had done for her so many times before… It was strange for her to read his words, it gave her a chance to relive their history, through his eyes. It surprised her to see just how much their relationship had meant to him, from so early on. She had always had this fear that it meant more to her, than to him. That maybe it was just a physical attraction that burnt too hot, that it would burn itself out. That it wouldn’t last. But now, she was starting to realise that it had always been about so much more than that for him. That he really saw her, all of her…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued...


	5. The journal - part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ripleys diary continues - this chapter includes their first big fight in "Baby Boom"

_**Dec. 15th** _

_**Vic and I have been seeing a lot of each other lately. After what happened with Sully and Herrera, I can’t stop thinking about how fragile life is, how fast it can all end. I’ve always known, I mean, death has always been a big part of my life, but somehow their accident brought it closer. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, or maybe it’s because I have so much more to lose now… I don’t know… I just wanna cherish every moment and make the most out of every second we spend together. We’ve created our own little bubble. Every chance we get we spend together, in her apartment. In her bed… It’s like we have our own world in there, a place where the rest of the world can’t touch us. I love getting to know her better, and for every little thing I learn about her, I just fall in love with her even more. Part of me wants to stay in there forever, just her and me. Part of me wants the world to know that we’re together, that I am hers and she is mine. For now, I think I’ll just squeeze as much happiness and joy and love as I can from what we have, and just be happy. Try not to worry about next week or next month. Try not to think too much, try not to mess up the best thing that’s ever happened to me.** _

Victoria remembered the subtle change in him after the accident. He had seemed more present in a way. He had found time to see her even though he had a busy schedule. They had spent every possible moment together, getting to know each other, in every wonderful way. She had learned how he had gotten the small scar on his left thigh, she had learned that he sometimes talkes in his sleep, she had learned what happened the night his parents had been taken from him in a horrible accident and left him alone to raise his little sister, she had learned that he loved thai food and ate more take-out than anyone she had ever known, she had learned that he didn’t mind watching Greys if she stroked his forehead while he relaxed with his head in her lap, she had learned how to drive him insane with just a simple touch and a look, she had learned that he always woke up early, and that he sang along to the radio when he was making her breakfast and didn’t know she was listening. She had learned that he made her smile, he made her laugh, he made her think, he challenged her, he lit a fire inside her that she didn’t know existed… she had learned that he made her so incredibly happy…

_**Jan. 9th.** _

_**Christmas was different this year. I love spending it with Jennifer and her family. It always feels almost like coming home. For many years after our parents died, I worked so hard to give Jen a normal life, but Christmas was the one time of year that always felt impossible. We got by in our everyday lives, but there was something about the holidays, especially Christmas, that made it so obvious what had been taken from us. There was no way to hide the fact that it was just the two of us, that there were two plates missing from the table, that there were no presents from mom and dad under the tree, that dad wasn’t cheerily singing along with the christmas carols on the radio like he always had, and that mom wasn’t dancing around in the kitchen preparing dinner like she always did. I tried as hard as I could to make it a little less unbearable, but we were both just trying to get throught it as best we could. It wasn’t until Jen married and had the kids that things changed. We started celebrating Christmas at her place, and slowly it startet to feel okay again. It started to feel like coming home, I started looking forward to it every year. I was part of a real family again. Thanks to her. I think she sensed that something was off with me this year. She knows me. I told her about Victoria. It felt good to finally talk to someone about her. I told her everything. For the past years she’s been the only person in my life I can really talk to, who gets me. She’s happy for me. Part of me was scared to tell her, afraid of what she would think. I should have known she wouldn’t judge. She’s always supported me. She told me my eyes sparkle when I talk about her… She wants to meet her. I want that too. I know they’d get along. Vic spent the holidays with her family, at least in part. She had signed up to work for a few days as well. I thought about her a lot, and even though we talked on the phone, I missed her. I hate that feeling, and I never want to miss her again. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that life is too short. I’ve never been big on New Years resolutions, but I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure that we celebrate every Christmas together from now on. If she lets me I’ll spend the rest of my life trying my best to make her happy.** _

Victoria had a hard time wrapping her head around what she read. She had had no idea he felt this strongly about her back then. They had talked a lot on the phone that Christmas, and she had missed him too. She hadn’t told anyone about him though, well, except for Jack, but that hadn’t been intentional. And she couldn’t really talk to him anyway. She had tried a few times, but it was just weird. And even though she had desperately wanted to talk to someone that Christmas, she hadn’t. Not even Travis. She hadn’t known Lucas had told his sister about her until 2 or 3 months later. He got a text from her and told her she said «hello». Vic remembered how surprised she had been when she realised he had told Jennifer about her. Especially that he had «of course» told Jennifer. He said it like it was the most natural thing in the world. Vic had freaked out a little bit, again… She had started overthinking, again… It was stupid, but part of her had been so scared of what would happen when their bubble burst. She loved the world they had created, their alternate universe, and she hadn’t been ready to let it go… She was afraid it would eventually mean having to let go of him altogether…She had told Travis shortly after though. Well, kind of. She was about to tell him anyway, when Lucas walked in as they were pedaling away on their bicycles in the gym at the station. She had to admit it didn’t take a genious to figure it out after she had had a total brain meltdown and acted like a complete nut job. Of course it didn’t help that he swooped in like a knight in shining armor and and pushed the emergency brake when she in all the confusion dropped a foot of the pedal, following the whole scene up with placing his hand on her back asking her concerned if she was okay. It couldn’t have been more obvious if he had just gone in for the kiss… It had been a good thing that Travis had found out though. It had felt so good to finally be able to talk to someone about Lucas. He had become such an important part of her life, and it felt great to be able to share that with someone, especially with Travis. They had drifted apart after the skyscraper fire. She had closed off, blamed him for almost dying. Tried to protect herself. But after the peer support group they had started healing, and they had slowly gotten closer again. This was the first time in a long time that she had felt like she really had her friend back. It had felt good.

_**March 8th** _

_**We went to Astro last night. It was our second time there. It’s not exactly the best diner in town, but I like it there. I don’t even mind the stale bagels as long as I get to take her out. And the chances of running into someone either of us knows in there are basically much non-existent. I want to take her some place nice, on a real date, but this will have to do for now. I love being out in public with her though, it just makes it seem more real. I love what we have going on, I love the time we spend together alone, but it makes me greedy. I want more. I want to do all the things that other couples do, I want to take her out, hold her hand in public, show her off. I don’t want to keep hiding forever. I asked Vic last night if Astro is «our place» now… She told me she thought her bed was our place, since that’s where we spent most of our time together… She’s not wrong, but as much as I enjoy the time we spend in bed, I also very much enjoy the other time we spend together, doing everyday things, like normal people. So I asked her if we could have more of that time in the future… I want more of everything with her… She didn’t really answer, but I think she liked the idea. We didn’t get further than the car before she jumped me. I’ve become very aware throughout the last months that her bed isn’t the only place we can… enjoy our time together, but we haven’t tried the car before. I was so eager to get her out of those clothes that I fumbled with unhooking her bra, which was a very good thing, otherwise we definetely would have ruined «our place» for good. I don’t know who was more embarrassed, us or the very uncomfortable Astro manager who knocked on the car window. I don’t know how she does it, but she drives me crazy, in the best way imaginable. It scares me to think about what life would be like without her now. Not because my life was bad before her, it wasn’t. It was good, I was pretty happy with the way things were. But now, knowing what life can be like, with her… the thought of not having her in my life, it’s terrifying.** _

Vic laughed so hard she almost spit her coffee out when she read what he wrote about «the parking lot-incident» as they had later referred to it. Poor Cameron had been mortified, but he had been very graceful about the whole thing the next time they came back. He hadn’t even mentioned a thing until months later, when they had gotten to know him better. He had called them «relationship goals», saying how he was hoping he was lucky enough to get busy in the parking lot after he was married.

_**March 29th** _

_**I’m an idiot. I panicked when I realised Montgomery knew about us. She told me she had told her best friend… it just never occurred to me that her best friend was another firefighter. And when she told me Gibson also knows, I full on panicked. I think I practically screamed at her that no one was supposed to know. And now she thinks I’m ashamed of her, that she’s my dirty little secret. That’s as far from the truth as it could get. She my awesome, fearless, beautiful secret, that I couldn’t be more proud of. That I want the whole world to know about, but can’t tell a soul of. Oh God… I messed up… I even told her she couldn’t keep her mouth shut and that she should know better. I should know better, but my brain just shut down. All I could think about was how badly this could blow up and ruin everything, for both of us. And I took it out on her… It’s not her fault, I know that. This is an impossible situation, and sooner or later, one way or another, the secret will be out. I know «exposed» was a bad choice of words, but pretty much all my words were poorly chosen tonight. Of course I don’t have second thoughts about her, about us. She, our relationship, it means more to me than anything in this world. But I also know that if this does come out, it could be devastating. Especially if it comes out the wrong way. We had a big fight, about her «friends», my «subordinates». She said that «as your subordinate it sounds to me like this conversation needs to end». Her words, her voice, is etched into my brain. She’s basically standing there telling me it’s over. Then she looks at me and asks me «is that right, sir? Is this conversation over?» She didn’t even look mad, just hurt, and defeated. I don’t want our conversation to end, ever. I want to sit next to her on a park bench when I’m 80 and laugh at one of her stupid jokes. I want to talk to her every day for the rest of my life. And yet I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I was scared to death of what would be coming out of my mouth next, cause everything I’d said so far had been a total disaster. So I just told her that I’m gonna go before I say something I can’t take back. And that was it… I turned around and walked out. I don’t know how to fix this. All I know is that I have to find a way. I hurt her. It’s the last thing I wanted to do, but I did. I don’t know if she’ll ever forgive me, but I need to make her understand how I really feel about her. I just don’t know how right now…** _

It had been their first fight. It had left her with a huge lump in her stomach, and after the shift finally ended she had gone out drinking with Travis, Maya and Andy. Drowning your sorrows might not be a long term fix, but it would have to do. She had ordered Travis to pay for her drinks as punishment for running his mouth, and ended up with a huge hangover the next day. Lump in stomach still intact. She had had two missed calls from Lucas, and one from Sullivan. Not ready to hear what it was that Lucas was afraid he wouldn’t be able to take back, she had decided to call Sullivan back first. She had never been happier to be called in for overtime, and threw herself into work to avoid thinking about the only thing she could really think about. It hadn’t worked very well, but at least it kept her busy for a while. And it had given her an excuse not to call him back just yet. She had pulled doublesfor a week straight, and of course, as if things weren’t bad enough, she got sick. Her body had ached, she had sneezed every two minutes, and she had been pretty sure she was running a fever. She had felt it for a good week or so, but tried to ignore it. That was no longer a possibility. When Travis had told her to go home, she had refused. She had been terrified to go home. Because going home meant that she would eventually have to talk to him. And not only hadn’t she been ready to hear what he had to say, she hadn’t been sure what she wanted to say to him. She had known that his shirt was there, in her apartment, smelling of him, and that she didn’t want to give it back… However, when Sullivan had walked in on their discussion it had been game over. He had ordered her to go home before she infected the entire station. She had followed orders, and she still remembered the look in Lucas eyes when she practically ran into him on her way out. She didn’t know why he was there, if it was to talk to her, or if he had some other business there, and she hadn’t asked. She had looked at him, he had looked at her, she had sneezed, and then she had walked right passed him, got in her car and started driving.

**_April 5th._ **

**_I’ve been a mess this past week. I haven’t slept much, haven’t been able to concentrate, I’ve been distracted and completely useless. Even Frankel commented on it yesterday. After I made her repeat a question for the forth time in an hour… Tonight was the first good nights sleep I’ve had since our fight. I had no idea what to do, so I took a chance yesterday. I went to the old drive in on Broadway and bought cheeseburgers, fries and onion rings. Sully always loved those. I went out on a limb and asked him to share a meal with me. I needed to talk to him. I miss him so much. Not just because I needed to talk to him about Vic, but because I really miss our friendship. I have missed it ever since that day. I don’t blame him. I should have fought harder for it, I should have been there for him even when he didn’t want me to. Especially when he didn’t want me to. I shouldn’t have given up on us when he needed me the most. I can only hope there’s still a chance, that it’s not too late. It seems I keep messing up all the important relationships in my life, but I’m not going to give up this time. Not on Robert, and definetely not on Vic. Never. He saw right through me though. Just like old times. It didn’t take more than a sneeze for him to put two and two together. He told me not to waste my time talking to him if this is real for me. It is real. It’s never felt more real than when we recieved the partial 911-call and I recognised her number. The civilian in distress, it was her. All I could think about was if it was too late, if I had messed up, and missed my chance to tell her the only thing that matters, that I love her. I didn’t even consider not gearing up and going out with them. I jumped on the engine with Montgomery. I think he was just as worried as I was. I thought we’d never get there. I kept replaying the moment we met in the hallway earlier that night when I was on my way in to see Sullivan. Was that my chance… Was that the last time I would see her alive… I don’t think there was a single scenario of how she could have gotten hurt, or killed, that didn’t roll through my head before we arrived. Thank God I was wrong about every single one of them. She was a rock star. She had already delivered a baby in a burning car wreck, and she’s never looked more alive, or more beautiful. She was right, she is awesome. I got in the ambulance with her when things calmed down. She was rambling, high on adrenaline, but I would gladly have listened to her all night. She made it clear that she didn’t need me though, and that she was still mad at me. Normally I would have gone away, but this time I didn’t. See, I know she doesn’t need me, and I’m glad. That’s one of the things I love about her. But need and want are two different things, and she never said she didn’t want me. So I stayed. And she didn’t tell me to go… so I rode with her in the ambulance to the hospital. She got checked out and I got us a taxi back to her place. She was exhausted, and none of us said anything on the way back. I just held her hand, and she held mine. When we got back I made her a cup of tea and she went to bed. I told her to let me know if there was anything else she needed, and it was. She said that we had our first fight, and she wanted to finish it. I tried to tell her that she needed to rest, but she wouldn’t let it go. Said that if we can’t even fight and make up, then we won’t survive. I know she’s right. And for once I managed to speak from my heart. To tell her what I really feel. I told her I don’t want my shirt back, that mad or sick or tired or any other way she feels, I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna let her go… I’ve never felt like this before. When I crawled into bed with her, and felt her head resting on my chest, I wished we could stay like that forever. I think I’ve known for a while, but last night wiped away all doubt. I love her. And I’m going to do whatever it takes for us to be together. It’s not that complicated if you don’t lose track of what’s important. I got distracted, I got caught up in the noise. Our carreers, what people will think, none of that stuff really matters. It’s just noise, it’ll throw you of balance if you let it, take your mind away from the one thing, the only thing that’s really important. When I whispered her name and said «I love you» I realised that I’ve never known the true meaning of those words before. I’ve said them many times, and I’ve though I meant it, thought I’ve known what it meant. But it wasn’t until tonight, when she laid there in my arms, that I really understood what it means to love someone. I will love her for the rest of my life…_ **

Tears started rolling down Vics face as she read his words. It was as if she could physically feel him there with her, his warmth, his love, his embrace. She had told him she loved him back that night. In a way the fight had brought them closer together. They had needed it to move forwards. Vic thought back to the story the husband from the car crash that night had told about when he had realized that his wife was the one for him. It was on their fifth date, after their first big fight…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever to write, and I'm sorry it took me so long to post. I hope you'll like it though, and that you'll stick with me a little while longer. Not that may chapters left, but still some good stuff ahead.


	6. The journal - part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We've come to the last part of Ripleys diary. This is set after their first big fight, involves some hall-way romance, and Vic's proposal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! So, it took me forever to get this done. I hope you haven't completely forgotten or lost interest by now. The diary comes to an end in this chapter, but there is still one or two chapters to come, just to wrap up this story. Hope you like it!

**_Apr. 12th_ **

  
**_I stopped by 19 yesterday. I wanted to say thank you to Robert for our talk last week. He was right. He told me to find her and tell her how I really feel, and I did. Vic and I, our relationship, it’s been so good since our fight. In a way I think we needed it. It all seems so much lighter now. Like everything has just fallen into place. I’ve never been happier than I am right now. And Vic, she seems to be smiling all the time. I love seeing her smile. I know she’s sick of the secrets, and so am I, but I’m not gonna lie, sometimes hiding can be quite exhilarating. I ran into Vic at the station last night, she had Pruitts aloha gift in her hand. His trip made me realize just how badly I want to take a vacation with her. I told her maybe we should try to get away somewhere. Maybe she’s right, that it’s not realistic, but as much as I like her fake vacation fantasy scenarios, it’s not enough. I want the real deal. And one day in the not too distant future, I’m gonna show her that a ski shelley in Vancouver can be every bit as romantic as any beach. I know she’d look great in a snow suit, but that’s not really what I was thinking about. I was thinking about how she’d look in her birthday suit in front of the fire place, her velvet chocolate skin in the light and heat of the flames… When we were standing there talking, the power went out. For a second we just stood there, and before I knew it my lips were on hers, her tongue was in my mouth, my hands were grabbing her hips pulling her against me. I forgot time and place and it was so incredibly hot. It only lasted a few seconds, and then… the power came back on and she pulled away, left me completely jumbled. Thank God no one walked by to see me there. My hair all messy, and to be honest, my pants a little too tight in certain places… We’re gonna get caught sooner or later if we keep taking these chances, but we can’t seem to stop ourselves. And I do like the… spice. We talked some more when she got home this morning. We both want so badly to go away for a few days. I have the vacation days, and I meant it when I told her I don’t wanna be the guy who never uses them. I’ve been that guy for too many years now, and I don’t wanna wake up one day and realize that it’s too late. If this secret is what’s holding us back, then maybe it really is time we do something about it. Maybe it’s time we stop being a secret…_ **

Vic smirked thinking back to their hallway encounter. It had been smoking hot. And if the power hadn’t come back on pulling them back to reality, she wasn’t sure any of them would have been able to stop… When he had suggested they should try to get away somewhere, it had been her idea to just take a fake vacation, in their brains. With work and the secrecy and all the the other strings involved, it just hadn’t seemed realistic. But the night that followed had made her think. It was the night she had met the master of fantasy scenarios. She still remembered his name, Elliott. He was dying from terminal cancer. He played this game in his mind where he came up with all these horrible ways of dying that were so much worse than what was actually happening to him. He was ready to die, he probably had been for a while, but his daughter, she wasn’t ready to let him go. And he couldn’t bring himself to tell her to sign the DNR. But that night, he finally found the courage to tell her, to make her understand. When the building was evacuated, instead of taking him to the hospital, they had taken him down to this grass lawn right outside. Laid him down on his back so he could look up at the sky. Elliott and his daughter loved watching the stars together, and they knew all the constellations. Because of the power outage it had been pitch black, and the sky had been so incredibly clear. You could see every star and every constellation on the sky that night. It had been so beautiful. Elliott and his daughter had laid there next to each other as he drew his last breath. Reality really had turned out so much better for him than he ever thought possible. All it took was for him to have the courage to be honest and live his life the way he wanted, and to die the way he wanted. Laying there on the grass next to them that night had made her think. That maybe that was what she and Lucas needed to do as well. Just be brave enough to stop hiding and live the life they wanted… Because life really is too short. She had seen a lot of people die since she joined the SFD, seen a lot of lives cut short. But something about Elliott struck a chord in her. As a first responder you learn to deal with death, it’s always lurking around the next corner. After a while on the job the faces of the ones you lose, they start to fade, and the names… they dissappear. You leave them behind in a dense fog that seldom lifts. You have to, or you won’t survive. But some of them stick with you, some even become like close friends… you don’t get to choose which ones, and sometimes you don’t even understand exactly why. But she had had a feeling Elliott was one of those who would stay with her for a very long time, and she had been okay with that.

_**Apr. 15th** _

  
_**Jen came to town this weekend. It was great to see her again. And it was great to finally have her meet Victoria. I knew they’d get along, and they did. Jen loved her. We talked on the phone last night when she got back home. Her only reservation is that she’s afraid she’ll encourage me to do crazy things, like jump out of airplanes … I guess part of her wished I would fall crazy in love with an architect or lawyer or someone who would keep me safe and never allow me to take risks. Not an adrenaline chasing fire fighter. And to be honest, I’ve always said to myself I’d never be with someone on the job. I’ve always kept my distance from women in my line of work. Not because I’m worried they’ll get me into trouble, but because I don’t want to worry every day that the woman I love might not come back home. But with Vic, it was never a choice. It just happened. It took me completely by surprise. By the time I realized what was happening, there was no turning back. I can’t undo what has happened, or how I feel, and I would never want to. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me… I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about the future. A couple of weeks ago when we were at the diner I managed to just blurt out something about how I was sure Jen would like her better than my first two wifes. I didn’t even realize what I was saying until I saw the surprise on her face. She obviously didn’t know and I didn’t mean to just spring that on her like that. It’s not exactly something I’m proud of, and I don’t want her to think I don’t take marriage seriously. I do. I never thought I’d be one of those people, divorced, not only once, but twice. I can understand why that would make her doubt me. When I got married the first time, we were so young. I was very much in love, at least I thought so at the time. But looking back now, I think I was more in love with the idea of having a family, of belonging somewhere, than with her. We were kids, really, trying to play house, and when it ended, I think it was a relief for the both of us. When I met Eva, everything felt so great. It was uncomplicated and fun and easy, at first. But as soon as we were married, things changed. She couldn’t deal with my job. I guess I always knew, but I think I just didn’t want to see it. I buried my head in the sand, and hoped it would get better. I was sleeping on the couch within 6 months of our marriage. We argued constantly. She wanted me to get a desk job, something with normal hours, something safe. Turned out she liked the image of who she wanted me to be, not who I really was. And to be honest, I chose the job over her. We had no chance of surviving really. She always said that the fire department was my family, that she felt like an outsider. She was right, I never really let her in, and it wasn’t fair to either of us. Getting divorced for the second time was devastating. The worst part wasn’t really losing her, but losing the dream of what I was hoping we would become. And having to realize that I’d failed, again. I never thought I’d ever consider getting married a third time. But here I am. I told Vic I’d take my marriage number three very seriously. I guess getting married again should scare me, but it’s different with her. Even though we haven’t been together all that long, she knows who I really am. She likes me for who I am, not for who she wants me to be. She understands my job better than anyone ever could, and she would never ask me to change for her. As for me, I know now that love is not something that happens to. Falling in love, that happens to you, but loving, that’s something you do, it’s a choice. It’s something you have to choose over and over every day, something you have to work for every day. If you don’t, it withers away, and dies. But she’s worth it. I’ll be happy to work for her love every day for the rest of our lives.** _

Vic had been surprised when he had told her about his ex-wifes, in plural. She knew he’d been married before, and that he had gotten a divorce a few years back, but she hadn’t known that had been his second marriage. But to be honest, it hadn’t bothered her as much as he had thought. It was in the past. And she had believed him when he had told her he would take his marriage number three very seriously. Besides, she had never really dreamt of getting married. Some of her friends growing up had always fantasized about their huge dream weddings, but she had never really managed to see herself walking down the isle in a fairytale dress. She had meant it when she had told him she isn’t a hearts and rainbows kinda girl. And she still meant it. It wasn’t the idea of a huge romatic wedding that she liked, it was the idea of a marriage. To be able share your life with someone who loves you, who inspires you, who respects you. And to give the same back. That’s what she wanted, and he was the one she wanted it with.

**_Apr. 18th_ **

  
_**I met Vic for breakfast this morning. We started talking about our options, we’ve been doing that a lot lately. One of us transferring to another department, me stepping down… there aren’t really a lot of great options to choose from. We could go on being a secret, but even if we don’t go public, the risks are still there. So I told her about how a marriage license could protect us. I guess I sort of proposed, without really saying the words. We decided that it was too crazy, and that we’d keep exploring other options. It wasn’t the way I wanted to ask her to marry me. It wasn’t the way she deserves to be proposed to. But the next time I saw her, she showed me how it’s done. She reminds me every day why I love her. She lives with so much enthusiasm and so little fear. She inspires me to do better every day. And tomorrow I will. I got called out to a structure fire at a coffee processing plant today, and for the first time in a long time, I saw the inside of a fire. To be honest, I should have sent 19 in when Conlin was trapped, but I just couldn’t bring myself to risk her life. So I went in myself. I got him out, but it was a close call. Her face was the first thing I saw when I got out. It was probably the first time I really understood. Everything I feel for her, she feels for me. All her emotions were right there, in her eyes, on her face. I recognized every one of them. It looked like she felt everything that I know I would feel if she was the one inside that burning building and I was the one standing out there waiting, not knowing if she would make it out alive. But I made it out. And she showed me how it’s done. She proposed, but not like I did. She went all in, heart and soul. She put herself out there, took the risk that I was to scared to take. She did it for real. It took me a second to understand what she was doing. I hesitated, not because I didn’t know what to say, there was no doubt in my mind what to say. There is only one answer to her question. It’s yes. Of course it’s yes. I hesitated because she deserves better than what I gave her this morning, and I’m going to do better. I want there to be no doubt in her mind that this is what I want. Not because it’s practical, but because I love her. Just like her I want something real, I want it all, and I want it with her. She told me to think about it, and I told her to meet me at the diner tomorrow morning, for breakfast. At our place. I needed the time. Not to think about my answer, but to prepare my question… and to get the ring. Tomorrow morning I get a second chance, and I’m not going to mess it up. I’m going to ask Victoria Hughes to be my wife, for real, for ever. And if she says yes, I’m never gonna let her go.** _

Vic’s mouth had dropped open somewhere in the last few lines… not only had he been planning on meeting her at their place that morning, he had been planning a proposal. Planning on giving her a ring. She felt stupid. Stupid and guilty. For not trusting him enough to know that something was wrong when he hadn’t shown up. For not trying to call him that morning instead of just diving back into work. Of course she should have known. He was the kind of guy who would have shown up no matter was his answer was. He wouldn’t have just left her there waiting for him, he would never have stood her up. He was a gentleman, and even if he hadn’t wanted to marry her, he would have showed up and told her in person. She knew that now, and she knew it then. Unfortunaltely panick had obviously set in when she realized he wasn’t coming, shutting down every logical fiber of her brain, and all she could think was that she had scared him off with her crazy, completely insane, spur-of-the-moment proposal. All she had been able to think was that she had messed everything up, and that he had run in the opposite direction. Stupid. She couldn’t believe that she hadn’t even stopped to think something could have happened to him. And she shuddered at the thought of what it almost cost them. She suddenly realized she was holding the last page of his journal in her hand. He had taken her on a walk throught their history in his shoes. Allowed her to see things through his eyes… Given her a look straight into his heart and soul. It was the greatest gift anyone had ever given her. It was the ultimate show of trust and faith any human being could give another. He trusted her, and she felt a sting in her heart thinking that she hadn’t shown the same faith in him that morning. Thankfully, she had been given a second chance, and she promised herself to never lose faith in him again.

TBC


	7. No time to lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic has read the journal and goes to see Lucas at the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This a short chapter, hope you don't mind. The next one will be the last!

Bright rays of sunlight was starting to pierce their way through Vic’s heavy eyelids. A familiar smell from the pillowcase next to her gave her a warm and fuzzy feeling deep inside. The distant sound of traffic somewhere outside was helping to slowly pull her out of a deep, peaceful sleep, something she hadn’t felt since that day when she had almost lost him. Every night since then had been filled with racing thoughts, fears, blame, what if’s, and most of all… darkness… She had thought back to their training. Firefighters are taught to find their way in the dark, always keeping one hand on the wall. But this darkness had been different than anything she had ever faced before. And the walls had been no help, it had felt like they were closing in on her. But this night she had slept. Without dreams, without nightmares, no waking up in sweat, no tears or screams… she had just slept. And the darkness had finally been replaced with something else, something brighter and more hopeful. Something that may be a future. When she opened her eyes and looked around her bedroom, she was thrown back in time. To that morning. The morning when Lucas had made love to her for the first time. It had been just like this, the first rays of the morning sun spilling in through her bedroom windows, wrapping them in this golden light… She had been taken completely by surprise at how adventurous he was, how eager he had been to please her, and how playful he had been. It had been so natural in a way, and even though it was completely new and unknown, it had felt so familiar and safe. Like this was what what they were meant to do, like they were meant to be… It had scared her to death. Because reality told her otherwise. Reality said that she could never have him, and that it was never gonna last. But in time they had proven reality wrong. They had made it… and now, thank God, he had made it. She couldn’t wait to get to the hospital to see him. To finally start the rest of their lives together.

As soon as consciousness took over from sleep Vic got out of bed and jumped in the shower. She rushed through her morning routine, skipped breakfast and drank a few mouthfuls of OJ straight from the carton before running down the stairs from her apartment. No time to lose. They had almost lost everything and she wasn’t about to waste any more time. She couldn’t wait to see him. To feel him, kiss him, to just be with him. 

The door to his hospital room squeaked as she opened it. She had opened that door before only to find him laying there with his eyes closed, not responding. But today, the first thing she saw when the door swung open was his bright blue eyes. They were looking straight at her, and were accompanied by the biggest smile she’d ever seen. His curls were messy and his beard had grown. He wasn’t in those hospital clothes anymore, but had put on a pair of jeans and a navy blue sweater. He got up from the bed as she entered the room and walked towards her. He’d never looked better. And when his lips met hers she realized he’d never felt better either. She loved the rough scratch of his beard and the softness of his lips. 

«Hi Eggy…» he said with a raspy voice as their lips parted. «Hi hubby» she responded softly. «I missed you…» Lucas whispered as he ran his fingers carefully through her curls. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. She had done something different with her hair… She was so beautiful. «So, did you read it?» He was hesitant and his voice had a slight shiver. Vic couldn’t help but smile as she realized how nervous he seemed. She gave him a slow nod accompanied by an even slower «yes…». They were standing face to face as he took her hands in his and cleared his throat. «Victoria…» he started, holding her gaze. «I hope you understand why I needed you to read that… I just need you to know. I need you to know that I didn’t put marriage on the table that day in the diner because it was practical. I did it because there’s nothing I want more than to share the rest of my life with you. I did it because since the first day we met you’ve lit a spark in me I didn’t know existed, because I know that what we have is so rare. I wouldn’t trade my life with you for anything. My life with you is my home, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, it’s more than I ever dared to dream of... You make me happy... I love you, and if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you make me. Victoria Hughes, will you marry me?» Lucas had dropped down on one knee and was holding a ring up in front of her. For once in her life, Vic was the one who was at a loss for words. He had proposed. Lucas Ripley had proposed to her for real. 

Vic wasn’t sure how long she’d been standing there, but it must have been for too long, because Lucas’s brows were starting to furrow and he was definetely looking worried. She suddenly realized she hadn’t answered. Her brain was trying to take it all in, and had obviously gone into orbit losing connection with earth somewhere along the line. «Yes!!» she almost screamed «Yes! Of course it’s yes! Of course I’ll marry you!»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TBC


	8. To predict the future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of this story...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been going back and forth in my head about how to wrap this story up. The chapter turned out quite short, but I really hope you'll like it. It was all I had, and to me, this is how it ended for them. Locked it away in my heart, and threw away the key.

**_The ring_** was a white gold band with a single diamond. It had belonged to his mother. He had found it in the small plastic bag they had handed him at the morgue that morning after the accident, along with his fathers watch and a gold necklace his father had given his mother after she had given birth to his sister. Lucas had put the ring away. Kept it safe all these years, thinking maybe one day he would give it to the woman that would be his wife. He had been married twice before, but the ring had stayed in the small silver box he had put it in all those years ago. It just hadn’t felt right to give it away, and he had never known exactly why. Until now. It hadn’t felt right before, because it hadn’t been right before. Because it was supposed to be Victorias. She was the one he was going to spend the rest of his life with, and the ring, just like his heart, belonged to her…

**_Their wedding_** was on a Sunday. He wore a dark blue suit that matched his bright blue eyes. She wore a simple white dress cut right above the knees. They were standing next to each other on a small secluded beach just outside of Seattle, surrounded by their closest friends and family, when they said «I do». The large trees framing the beach were casting a soothing shadow over them. It was the beginning of summer. It was the beginning of the rest of their lives. Lucas had rented a summer house only a couple of minutes walk along the beach from where they had the ceremony. They had a party that night, and it was one of the best nights of their lives. A moment in time when everything was good, everything was safe, everyone they cared about was there, and nothing seemed dark or hopeless or impossible. It was a night and a feeling they would lock away in their hearts and keep safe forever. It was theirs. And so was the night that followed, after all their friends had gone home, leaving them alone to enjoy their first night as husband and wife…

**_Their honeymoon_** was their first trip together. If you don’t count all their fake vacations. They spent 8 days in a bungalow overlooking the Pacific. 8 days laughing at each others bad jokes, snorkeling in the crystal clear water in the lagoons, hiking in the mountains, jumping off cliffs, showering in waterfalls, eating kalua pig and loco moco and poke bowls, drinking wine and talking into the late hours, and making love in every thinkable and unthinkable place inside and outside their very private bungalow by the sea. It had been so much better than any fantasy could ever be, and when they left they promised each other to go back to Hawaii one day.

**_The future_** is impossible to predict… They didn’t know it then, but they would make good on that promise on their 5th anniversary. Their first anniversary they would spend in a ski shelley in Vancouver. The fire would be lit when they arrived, and Lucas would prove to Vic just how right he had been before they had even unpacked. Her, naked in front of the fire place, would be every bit as hot as her in a bikini on that beach in Hawaii... They would go through life together, not always agreeing, but always in the end pulling in the same direction, always honouring the promise they made to each other under the trees on the beach that summer. Always there for each other and always finding their way together. There would be many good days and some hard, but none of them would ever regret choosing each other. He would draw his last breath right before his 87th birthday, in their bed with her head resting on his chest. She would follow 10 years later, with a smile on her face, knowing she would finally be with him again, forever. And their grandson… he would become a firefighter, just like them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was it! I hope you weren't disappointed with this. I know when you've followed a WIP, it sucks to get an ending you don't really care for. I'd love it if you'd take the time to leave a review. It means a lot, and if you have a tip or two for me on how to do better next time, I'd appreciate it! Thank you for reading and sticking with me and Vicley! :)


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